I’ve always been overly “good” to my friends. I’ve been in a better financial situation than most throughout, never blinking an eye if help was needed in some way. As I got old I started looking into Personalities, including my own of course. Enneagram, Aura’s, Numerology, Horoscopes, Myers-Briggs, Love Languages- I LOVE anything personality based. To put this to scale, I’m a Enneagram 2, Indigo/Purple Aura, Number 4 , Libra Sun, Pisces Moon, Libra Rising, an ISFP-T, and my love language is Acts of Service. If you’re as into Personalities as I am, you now know an AWFUL lot about me. I’m empathic, sympathetic, care far too much about and for others, can be super emotional, hates making a decision if others are involved. I’m also a curious person who asks questions about things I do not understand or know, while also cautious. I validate what situations I’m getting myself into. I love hard. Friendships being my main focus. I’m a helper to a fault, even when it’s not asked for. My downfalls outside of that, is that once I know I’ve been taken for granted – I can’t unsee it and I pull away. Once I learn what it’s like to be treated correctly by a friend group- I start to move away from the friend group that mistreated me in some way. I do in fact participate in the Indigo Door Slam and the Purple Bombs of self sabotage to get out of situations and relationships. I just didn’t know until I was older that this was something embedded.

The amount of examples in my adult life that I could drop here would be astounding. I once had an argument with a boyfriend in college where I was chopping vegetables and had a knife in my hand- I was NOWHERE near him but the relationship had ran it’s course far longer than it should have. Neither of us knew how to let it go at that age, my family being his constant I think had something to do with it for him. For me it was losing the friend group I’d been part of since High School, knowing I’d be the one that had to start fresh- while not being in a good place mentally. The story to our friends was that I pulled a knife on him. We broke up the next week. I learned that argument came from a subconscious place, that knew I wanted out and was considered a “Purple Bomb”. Another example, years ago I made friends with another business owner who lived close to me. We had a lot in common on the surface level and started planning work sessions together. I got to know her family, spent time at their homes, I really enjoyed the beginning of our time together as friends, however when it came to “work” meetings I was the only one working. There was a hint of jealousy- but we wanted different things in life as well. I’ve never wanted, nor could I have children. I do not judge folks that choose that life- and she was starting her journey into a life that takes a super special human to begin. Her life got really stressful, it got harder to find times to meet, the topic of conversations got negative and one sided. I felt like a scapegoat at times, like I couldn’t talk about or celebrate my successes with my business. I’m only scratching the surface for this example but I did what I now know to be an Indigo Door Slam. I ghosted with no warning. One day I realized she wasn’t in a good place in her life- as an empath I was being drained quickly from it and I walked away cold turkey. It’s always sad when I do it. Some people cannot be there for your worst, if you are never there for them even at their best. Years have passed, people can grow, but you cannot forget how someone made you feel previously.

Why am I sharing these things years later? In some cases, almost 20 years later. Because I’m still learning how friendships should work at 38 years old. I’ve found friends recently that treat me so much different than my friends of the past. Make new friends by keep the old is the saying, but sometimes the old friends are the ones that are silver and not gold. Or maybe sometimes you learn so much more about your personal self that you outgrow your old friends. Maybe, just maybe, your eyes are opened to what others have seen- figuring out how much you’ve been used, abused, mistreated- yet you stuck around and gave multiple chances for change to occur.

Let’s cut the vague-book sentences now. Some examples as to why you maybe have to question your idea of friendship.

Example 1: Being sent a text message(s) on accident- talking about you – meant for someone else to see. A true friend would come to you for a conversation about what is upsetting them. The friend that sent this text is toxic. 1) It’s likely not the first time they’ve done it. 2) They will do it to someone else. 3) They have something internally to straighten out that you need not be part of. I always handle this by asking why the person didn’t feel they could have a conversation with me about it instead of someone else. What I’ve learned now – this is a person you shouldn’t let in fully. They really have to want to change- because 9/10 they are doing this to get validation that they are the victim.

Example 2: Being the only one willing to plan/travel/rearrange your life to spend time with your friend- means they do not care about you as much as you do. They are not willing or you are not worthy enough for them to carve time out just for you. The number of times I’ve been a consultation prize hang out after something else planned – is my own fault. “I’ll be here on this date maybe we can hang out after” does not make someone feel important. Neither does spending the money for flights or gas to see someone numerous times without that person attempting to schedule something to see you without something tied to it. It is however different if this is discussed in advance, agreed upon, and planned with another person. If you are accepting the behavior you are also to blame. I urge you to check yourself here. I let my older friends pencil me in around Zoo Trips, Concert Tickets, Family Gatherings, meanwhile I give up my only free weekend a month to drive or fly to them with that being my sole focus. I once had a tearful chat with a friend bringing up the fact that I was never the chosen reason. To this day that still is the case- when here it’s for something else, little to no notice that she’s here. I stopped dropping what I was doing to meet her. I still care- but friendships change- I’m here for her if she needs me digitally- one day hopeful she can make the time for us again- but not stopping my life for it. Friendship is a two way street- it’s not always fair to each party all the time- the point is respect, communication, not getting upset if one is open about feelings.

Example 3: Being the only friend who opening communicates feelings/ starts hard conversations. I rarely get mad at my friends. I get hurt, feel disrespected, feel neglected, or even misunderstood- but very rarely mad. All of these things are easy for me to express. Here’s the best way I’ve found to communicate one of the above: “Hey x, I wanted to talk about y. This made me feel like this, because this, and I wanted to let you know, so you can tell me what the intention was.” It is always a variation of that. Typically- TYPICALLY it gets a great conversation started and helps you gain insight. SOMETIMES the person doesn’t care and they gaslight you. They don’t care. I’ll say it again because it took awhile for me to get it- THEY. DO NOT. CARE about YOU. They care about how it makes THEM look. Now they aren’t the victim. RUN AWAY.

I think it’s time for some GOOD Friendship examples.

Example 1: You check in on EACH OTHER- instead of calling about yourselves. People do not understand how big of a deal this really is to someone. I have a group of people in my life currently that all ask how each other is doing every.single.day. It’s not just a how are you great I’m going to complain now about my life since I got the cordial ask out of the way. They CARE enough to ask and LISTEN to the answer.

Example 2: Neither of you do the bulk of the work maintaining the relationship. Friendship is dating with the touching/sexual aspect. People give up their precious time to spend with YOU instead of someone else or making money. Put the cell phone down. Pay attention. Show up. Be present. LISTEN. Put in the effort.

Example 3: Learn personalities. Take the tests- both of you. It’s SO much easier to communicate, understand, and move on with friendship issues if you know more about them. My friend Vanessa is an Enneagram 1w2 and I’m a 2w1 most of the time however I do switch wings sometimes. I know that Vanessa is a perfectionist Virgo who has to be reminded sometimes that done is better than perfect when it comes to hanging out with me. It can be more random/sporadic/go sideways and I’ll just be happy she took the time to spend with me when she has so many other people in her life that time could be spent with. She knows that sometimes if she pushes me to do something a certain way I may get overwhelmed and need to walk away from it for a minute- because I’m emotional. Our friendship is cherished and is healthy because we took the time to learn our personalities.

We often seek permission to remove ourselves from bad friendships. We seek validation in our decisions to close a door. I’ve closed doors I never thought I would and moved their contents into boxes. I have far more acquaintances in adulthood than I did in my younger years and the circles get smaller. If you see red flags, if you’re made to feel like you aren’t appreciated or don’t matter, if you feel taken advantage of- that is doing a disservice to yourself to stay in the “friendship”. Unfortunately not every person you meet SHOULD be your best friend. I’m granting you permission to move on, to let go, to grieve the loss, to pick back up and put your time and wasted or sucked energy into folks that will fill your cup instead. We’re not for everyone, but we are from some people. ❤

Kelly